Comments on: On being alone…

By: Angela Silver

Angela Silver — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 22:54:10 +0000

you are all not mentally ill. it is a process of which is happening without it being your fault. these are all perfectly normal feelings, and they are there because the world we live in at the moment is not legitimate.

try studying onto why you feel the way that you do.

when i was younger i wanted so much to have a child. i dont know why either. i wanted more than anything to do everything that you said. and i didnt understand why nobody understood me. nobody realised i existed. it was like i was the only thing on the planet at those times.

i think what i am trying to say is love and learn

By: Darren

Darren — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 19:54:13 +0000

Hey Asher, if you ever feel alone or depressed - remember that you have friends up here in Te Whanganui A Tara who care about you.

By: insultadarity

insultadarity — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 06:12:32 +0000

Do not trouble yourself much
to get new things
whether clothes or friends.

Throw away your clothes
and keep your thoughts.

For every man casts a shadow;
not his body only,
but his imperfectly mingled spirit.

This is his grief.

Let him turn which way he will,
it falls opposite to the sun;
short at noon, long at eve.

Did you never see it?

Heaven is under our feet
as well as over our heads.

By: anacarlo

anacarlo — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 15:28:00 +0000

Many years ago i lived in the S.Wales Valleys, the valley i lived in was narrow and steep sided and the view from my window was of the few houses clinging to the valleyside opposite amoungst the spoil of pit workings and briar and gorse. I have some brilliant memories of that place but amoungst my most enduring are those from when i was at my lowest ebb during periods of depression ( i suppose this is due to the immensity of feeling that depression can invoke.) There were some evenings when i would gaze out from my window at the lights in the houses opposite and wonder about the lives of all the people contained within, then as the night wore on i would watch the lights extinguish one by one until none were left ablaze. At that moment i imagined my light to be the only one in the valley left shining out. I thought about all the people tucked up and warm reaching out for their dreams amoungst their quilted and spotted duvets. In my mind my light became like the mast-head beacon of a boat amidst a huge dark and swelling ocean. Some nights i would keep watch until near dawn before i could rest, when the lights of the early shift workers would flicker to life. It was almost as though i had spotted the first lights of a costal town and that i knew i was not far from land.

That was many years ago and although i’m still ‘labeled’ as depressive, my relationship with my illness has altered. I went through years of pain and anguish culminating in a mental health sectioning after two suicide attempts. And now? after a couple of years of psycho therapy (SSRI’s don’t seem to make a great difference, well not to me) somthings altered it’s not that my depression has gone away it’s just that i feel different about it. I thought that there was some kind of void within me and i have tried to fill that hole with many different things, i suppose i’ve come to find that i could never fill the hole because the space was already occupied by depression and everything i kept shoving into it kept on spilling out.

You know that depression is sometimes referd to as ‘The Black Dog.’ Now this might seem strange but i’ve come to love my black dog, she is always with me, a constant companion. It’s as though my depression has become a comfort, somthing i know and understand intimately and in the face of the chaos of emotions, or even emotional numbness, she is always there. Sometimes i can even feel her walking to heal or sitting at my side.

i wish you well and hope that you find a place to feel at ease.

In friendship, Ana

By: jo

jo — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 08:37:57 +0000

you can always “borrow” bumpkin and pumpkin (briar n sacha) for an afternoon or morning. Goddess knows I could always do with a break (every now and then). Having your own kids is choice too, if u want them, the best part is choosing their names!
I tend to talk to myself a fair bit when alone and over analyse things…thinking too much about little things, when i’m too busy or their are people around talking lots so I’m unable to do this i do feel a little bit saner.
I really really need to find time/ space to paint at the moment.. i have several ideas going to waste, and feel they will become too much like history soon to actually complete, i would love a free morning!

By: antonio

antonio — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 23:13:01 +0000

self indulgent dribble!

By: Simon

Simon — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 14:48:32 +0000

Hi Asher,

Hope your feeling better today!

I’m not sure if there are any similarities, but I often also want to have a kid or two. Some people recon children is the best “medicine” for people with ADHD like me because they’re the only ones as hyperactive and hyperfocused …

xxx
Simon

By: Don O

Don O — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 06:04:34 +0000

Its funny, because I often oscilate between wanting to be left alone, and rueing that sometimes I succeed in it.

In my communal living days, I used to go nuts at people to just leave me the hell alone. Not for anything they wanted, but just so I can be alone with my thoughts and contemplate my navel.

Hell I even penned a critique of capitalism declaring it a “state of being bothered by others” (basically the states always in your face demanding your labor).

But for added incoherency I also felt that one of the biggest problems with the modern state is one of abandonment. That someone down on the dumps is left to struggle outside of the traditional community of family, friends and village.

Inconsistent? Quite possible. Meh.

And then when I finally succeeded, I suddenly felt more alone then ever. Having driven off friends I suddenly felt that , well, I had fuck all to do and no one to love.

So I moved back in to the family for a bit. Kind of nice to have a ma who cares no matter what. Was just a bit, long enough to cure the blues and find a girl to hang out with.

By: Anna-Claire

Anna-Claire — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 06:04:20 +0000

Hey Asher,
Know the feelings you write about.
Was struck yesterday with the horrible reality that circumstances are irrelevant to my depression. Am now living in paradise, sharing house with amazing, inspriational woman and was feeling things moving in good direction for me for first time in ages. And still got sad yesterday, with the ‘bad thinking’ and self criticism, and lots of tears. Felt like I couldn’t cope with life.
Oh Sleep! soooo precious! Am heading into about week 6 of not sleeping properly and my brain is fuzz, concentration out window. Last night quite bad, when I finally got to sleep, my lovely cat woke me up at 5am by peeing on my bed.
This morning felt like nobody loves me, everybody hates me and decided to go to bottom of garden and eat worms by myself. Had a lunch date with some amazing woman friends of my housemate and ended up (awkward and conversationally inept) listening to stories from one’s recent visit to Afghistan. Really interesting, and now sadness passed. distraction good.
children good distraction, they live in the moment, live to the full. You know you don’t need you own children to appreciate them. Plenty around to love!
Anyway blah blah sleepless brain writing blah
Wrote how comment without first person pronoun. impressive.
Lovelove
AC

By: @ndy

@ndy — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 16:17:48 +0000

hey ash,

reads to me like you want to be drawn out of yr head and into life. i think kidz have a tendency to do that to the point of exhaustion.

Managements’ need for hammering in the value of being properly timed and regimented exists perpetually. Early in the twentieth century, to teach some of its labourers the English language, International Harvester Corporation’s “Lesson One” read:

I hear the whistle.

I must hurry.

I hear the five minute whistle.

It is time to go into the shop.

I take my check from the gate board, hang it on the department board.

I change my clothes and get ready to work.

The starting whistle blows.

I work until the whistle blows for lunch.

I eat my lunch.

It is forbidden to eat until then.

The whistle blows at five minutes for starting time.

I get ready to go to work.

I work until the whistle blows to quit.

I leave my place nice and clean.

I put all my clothes in the locker.

I must go home.

i wish i could add something more useful.

andy.